Hoping the latter

Yeah.

Constant shadows

No matter how good, how great, how falling-down-fantastic my life may end up getting...

I will forever mourn the loss of our marriage.

The life I tried so hard for, the life I worked so hard to build, the normalcy of mummy and daddy in the same house and the blissful absense of worrying about what our split may or may not be doing to Girl. 

Sometimes I feel like I can successfully hate you for not being or caring about being what I needed you to be, but mostly I just hate myself for ever believing you could. 

Please calm me, dear Starbucks...

The affidavits are in. My counsel sent it over asking for comments asap. I haven't looked yet. I am sitting in Starbucks literally shaking. Not because of you for once- don't flatter yourself- and I know you're the last person on this planet to give a shit about me, the last person I could come to for support or care or concern or anything like it...

But- I've no other blog. I've no other outlet, nowhere to turn for writing therapy.

I'm afraid to read your words, and I am wasting precious free time in not looking. I brought the mail in the rummage through. One wedding invitation, (barf) one 'we miss your business', (barf barf) one bridal shower invitation, (barf barf BARF)... and im looking at all the new moms with their new babies feeling my ovaries wrench in heartache.  I also just made a date in 30 mins to buy $13 catfood for $5 off some woman online, so pathetic is my life.

Truthfully... In addition, I am afraid what I am fighting for is a lie. This 'family' I claim to have is hanging by a thread and I don't know how to fix it.

I am so scared of the future, no matter which way it pans out.

And so it begins

Today I got The News.

We're going to court.

Well asshole, you may be surprised to find out I'm actually glad.  An answer will be given by a complete stranger and I cannot be held responsible for your misery any longer; despite the outcome.  You will cower and crumble at your Cross Examination and probably wet yourself in court. 

Furthermore, you will probably lose. 

Even if you don't; I'll somehow be okay.

Sad superpower

It's Christmastime, which makes me (and everyone, I imagine) both joyful and sad. 

I was really hoping you'd come around and accept my invitation to stay here.  Why can't it be that way?  Why can't we be close in some other way, even if it couldn't be marriage?  You won't even address me, my questions or pleas.  I don't know how you do it, honestly.  It's your superpower.  How I envy you.

2am

I hate that it just didn't work out.
I hate that I'm the only one who feels sad about us.
I hate that I had to make the hard decision.
I hate that I still want the best for you.